Biting an Apple on Sunday
HAZARD / this is a Nightmare writing. It’s not light hearted. My editor/confidant and I go back and forth on whether to post this style or not. But I write them at night and I always sleep better after getting them out. Enjoy or hate -
Previous Post: The Love Tests
Video upload malfunction:
play I’m Alive by Johnny Thunders
The World wins when it steals away the God gifted belief that you’re capable of Great things. I feel like Ernie and Hunter are trying to warn me: You’re as good as dead after that - after giving up on yourself and not admitting your own potential.
Free will, baby.
But God didn’t say - atleast to me - that free will actions are decided by traits given in periods of pure dependency : as a starving baby, as an abused daughter. He does mention the purity of Children & how they’re closest to him. I believe this. Watch children - especially the ones that haven’t been chewed up - which can happen as early as a year old.
The untainted ones have an awareness that escape worry, anxiety, humility. They just Are.
The tainted have an awareness that sees near imperceptible changes around them. I’m playing with dinosaurs and my moms eyelids look a fraction lower, the light in those bright and neurotic greens have dimmed, a loose jaw - loose from smiling and joking is tightening and the tainted see the moments where a light switch is straight out - in the millisecond it turns from On to Off.
Off to On.
The original sin now we must hide our nakedness. I understand more now. I only feel That I’ve ran into people with that freedom. Like they live in that pre existence before Eve’s Big bite. And I feel like Adam. Like someone else bit from the Apple that gave me cursed awareness as if I was never given the opportunity to run through the vines nude. Unlike Adam, though, who was a Man, and had the opportunity to influence Eve into Not. I was a boy. A pawn in a game that started before me and all I could do was build my world around the moves of the players, mom and dad.
Essentially their moves: their Beliefs. Attitudes. Moods and decisions designed the world I now can’t help but see.
The palette of our worlds vary widely and those with similar hues had similar rules designed for them.
In first grade I walked into a friends home. My first after school hangout. His dad got home a few hours later. An hour or so after that we were called in from the backyard, his mom yelled for us to wash up, “get ready for dinner.”
We did and I sat at the table and as I looked to see him, his sister, his mom and his dad i saw my own mouth was open enough to catch flies. This was out of my understanding of reality. I don’t have a single memory of my mom and dad sharing a meal and I expected everyone lived that - that was the hue of colors dabbed onto my wooden palette.
Other things/ across the board.
The awareness is a cursed blessing that matures you. Turns you on early into life that you can see, internalize, move a certain way, influence this, influence that but can’t effect that so you need to react and adapt and before you know it you’re a mad man too conscious of himself with billions of thin vines stringing through the brains jungles making routes that aren’t even designed to have an outcome of peace. That’s not it right? My goal isn’t peace, or calm. What do I use my awareness for today except to darken my wings? It’s all games and a mask and a circus and I’m an angel in here with other wide open eyed angels and when two folk of this nature meet there’s an understanding that both our apples were bitten before we had a chance to stop it.
If I love God and believe, still, that I’m going to sin more, it would be virtuous to kill myself. And I know; “no. That proves you don’t Love God enough to trust he’ll remove the desire to sin.”
I’d tell you I believe he’s the only one, behind myself, that I know could remove that desire. I felt it removed before. Then 7 more demons came in. Then he cast them away and mere weeks later I fell back on satin sheets with a black haired women under my arm and a fifth of Elijah on my breath. And again. I felt Him wash them away. I’ve been clean.
Wash my sins away. Like Paul I scream in annoyance knowing I still sin yet the shame and sickness never stops but neither does the desire to sink all teeth into the temptation. I am broken, cracked like porcelain dropped by clumsy hands.
And God, you know best that I’m too vain to kill myself. Dark Crimson blood streaked on pure white face beside light crystal blue eyes creating a dichotomy of life, death and a final form of Art but I don’t like my hair flowing the wrong way and I feel it were to kill myself the last sick Joke would be that I look Ugly in Death. One last thing; Greed - maybe? I’d never end it early. Not this World. Not your design. I want to see everything you created. Mountain tops to foreign rivers, I’m too selfish to leave before attempting, with all breath, to see all you’ve built for Us. But my feet are in your garden and my ears are turned to the soundtracks you dropped into the forest on the edge of the field I now play.
